All in a Days work

So...I just took some time and did a little housekeeping. I reached deep into the cupboard and dusted off my resume for a little touch up, some re-tuning. It's amazing what a little modification can do. It's amazing how when simple words are removed and replaced with other more powerful and commanding words, meaning can almost change. It's impressive how one mans career, on paper, can go from solid to drop your jaw, hold onto your hat amazing, with a couple key taps. Actually, what is truly amazing is what I have accomplished in my life, in a mere thirty years. Let me share. Walk with me...

For the last two years I have been employed with the Bartlett Tree Experts, and after re-reading my resume I have no idea how they managed without me. Bartlett just celebrated their one hundred year anniversary and the slogan for that "accomplishment" should be..."98 years of mediocrity...and 2 with Mike F*cking Shields!!". This is because I am clearly the primary international expert on tree care and maintance. It's true, just read my rez. Not only that, but I am the leading expert of insects or diseases which may affect trees. Did you here that? The leading expert!! In fact, some bugs, which I may or may not have discovered (modesty is a task hardly bearable after reading my resume) are named after me. The Shza beatle has been affecting Ash trees throughout the midwest for years...that is until I discovered a control method. I swear I work with amatuers. And if I may, I would love to share my biggest accomplishment during my time with Bartlett....the invention of the tree. Woooh, you say. Trees have been around FOREVER you say. Not so fast. A simple glance at "The RESUME OF MICHAEL C SHIELDS" says it all. The tree, the largest living organism on earth, which takes Carbon Dioxide out of the environment and exchanges it for everybody's favorite life neccesity oxygen, is a proud accomplishment of mine and I would dare say my lifes greatest work if I didn't know, after reading my resume, how much I have to offer and will accomplish. Breath easy everyone, ON ME! You're welcome.

Those of you who live in New York or have visited the fine city have clearly been reaping the benefits of the job I had prior to Bartlett. As an employee of The Parks Department of the City of New York I took which was a city void of any vegetation, a desolate concrete wasteland, and found a way, in a brutal city enviroment mind you, to plant trees, create parks, greenways, and greenstreets. Check the resume people, it's all right there in black and white. Few remember the city without these amenities, but I do. A city filled with garbage, diesel fumes, traffic jams, and car horns now has trees, flowers, and the like. How beautiful I have made it. And I did it in just three years time!

I won't bore you with an entire play-by-play (like your bored!) of my other feats of incredibleness but I will give you some highlights of my previous careers, as outlined in my resume:
-In sunny San Diego, in cooperation with San Diego Gas and Electric, I was responsible for all vegetation in and around power lines. This is more important than it sounds. This was essential for the prevention of forest fires...and boy did I do my job. The city would have been ablaze without me. Imagine Petco Park, Mount Soledad, La Jolla, all these wonderful places reduced to ashes. Oh my, what a thought. In fact, now I am concerned. Without me what has become of the city. Has anyone heard?

-After finishing school I had a brief stint at a winery in Marthas Vineyard, known as Chicama Vineyards. I know what your thinking. At Chicama Vineyards you invented the grape. Enough with the smart allick tone. I did, however, create a process known as fermentation which is essential in winemaking. I wonder what it tasted like before my time on the island...grape juice with vodka I suppose. Also, I created a wide variety of wines. You might have heard of them...names such as Shira, Pinot Noir, Cabernet. I think there was just a wine called Zinfindel before that fateful summer of 2001. I'm ranbling, but this is some exciting stuff. This resume is quite a read!

-This part isn't outlined in the resume but is truly pertinent to this conversation. In college, which took place in the lovely Appalachian mountain town of Blacksburg, Virginia I was already on my way to achieving greatness. My proudest moment during these foggy years was the creation of a process that would, atleast for me, replace the tiresome and tedious practice of buying marijuana. This process, which I called "growing it", was skill I mastered and still yearn to practice. I also created the "Krusty" while employed at Chancey's, honed my evil Knieval like skills to become the greatest bush diver this side of the Mississipi, wrote Hager's infamous rhyme, and did publicity of the hip hop group Snap. Wow, I am tired just thinking about it.

-As a pimple-faced teenager, while employed at Franks Supermarket in Glastonbury Connecticut, I was the first to place items bought by customers in either paper or plastic bags. What did they do before?? Carry them home in hand? I was truly destined for greatness!

As you can imagine there's more. But I feel times a wasting. I need to get this resume out, this must be read! I will keep at it, I promise. All in a days work.