The apprentice: the straight dope.

1.3/23 - my impressions of the celebrity apprentice thus far: star jones still got a fat ass , dione warwick is a sneaky cunt, jose canseco wears the contacts of a misguided raver goth teen (and he has turrets!), la toya jackson is more than a woman with a snake covering her hoo-ha, mark mcgrath is an idea man, and gary busey has the heart of a poet-champion and the cognitive capacity of a special Olympian

2. 3/29 - impressions from this week's celebrity apprentice: mcgrath goes from idea man to yes man. la toya, may in fact, be nothing more than a woman with a snake covering her hoo-haa. canseco shows humor and humility (and changes his contacts to blue!). dionne goes from sneaky cunt to passive aggressive coward. nene knows the power of a preemptive cry. the best nickname for a cock of all time is big Wednesday.

3. 4/5- i was as surprised as star jones that her savage voice could not penetrate the genetically malformed cochlea of marlee matlin. canseco may or may not have placed a malignant tumor in his father's brain to avoid the embarrassment of having no rich friends. john rich is friends with the richest lil person on the planet (rich is now my prohibitive favorite to win this thing). spinoff idea: "meat gary: men embracing art through generating animal rage, YES!"

4. 4/11 - gary gets a boner for tommi sue. lil jon excels as cap'n black sparrow. mcgrath breaks the only cardinal rule and pays the ultimate price. la toya spends the majority of the episode looking like an aloof extra terrestrial but pulls out the win by dressing star jones up as a yeti. nene does not suffer fools but does suffer from alge crumpler ass. meat and rich coast on creativity and character. marlee hears nothing.

5 .4/19 - don jr starting to sniff out star's graphics charade. star tries to sniff out the chef's crotch. latoya continues to call on MJ for inspiration and attempts to grease trap nene into submission. nene refuses to understand the worlds perceptions of her, makes one question if shes ever seen an episode of her own show. matlin signs old school beaver jokes, gilbert godfrey blushes. lil john/rich clown a dying madman as meat grills to win. hope could split a wet timber (with her charm).

6. 4/25 - hope gives a retard 20k. star negotiates peace between nene and la toya, makes one think two state solution is near. the men struggle but avoid ugly finger pointing. women cant say the same. nene poster child for when keeping it real means keeping it wrong. star manipulates nene while la toya's evidence based, lucid explanation for why star should go falls on the donald's matlinesque ears.

7. 5/2 - wow. where to begin. matlin can hear black women walk. nene on some real basketball wife bama ass shit. star, still fat on the inside. meat suffers from diarrhea (of ideas). la toya preys on the donalds sick dick brain, shakes toosh, finds shot at redemption. e tu, nick taylor? lil john pimps so lil methodist kids can eat. osama, you've played the game like a real sick fuck, but im sorry, you're FIRED!

5/11 - latoya's groundbreaking return is all for not as wealthy america turns their collective backs and sends her back to that trunk of relic porn in your uncles basement. a lifetime of regrets awaits nene, who takes bitchassness to a whole new level, masking her insecurities under a veil of faux anger and contrived wrath. its fight club revisited for meat, who gushes tears like a man with tits for brains. its backbone bromance as the jonz form power team leaving team asap deflowered with a mouth full of sour cream (shots to paul barman). can a post racism genre busting collabo be far behind? meat makes shit commercial but guts stars fat insides in the board room. the donalds distaste for women's lib doenst hurt. matlin reads lips

5/17 - ghosts of celebrity apprenti past show up to water board the final four. piers morgan's a cock, brett michaels throws soft balls and joan rivers is the love child of a monchichi and a dick joke. lil jon refuses his destiny in an attempt to liberate young black men of the american south from the mental tyranny of stereotypes. meat cant overcome the heart on his sleeve, the fact that it was vajazzled certainly did not help. tasks are assigned and teams are picked and its back to the playground for star's inner fat girl as she is a late round selection, ultimately stacking team JR. john rich licks his handle bar as the deaf cougar passes on the deaf leopard. Star gets moist for john rich, makes America throw up in its mouth. Its go time for the commercials and it all comes down to dee snyder vs the director of the raunch art strange' ad in boomerang. fuck yeah!

5/22- the final best of "the tweets"
-"Rinna's tits shine " (and "are ubiquitous")
-"they better play photograph"
-"major BLOWIES for John Rich. for real. kids are gonna die"
-"Nene basically called star house n. that shit was wild"
-"Matlin and her cardboard cutout hear the exact same thing"
-"Latoya would like that can slithering on her vajayjay"
-"A modern day ebony and ivory"
-"BOOM"
-"Star just squirted"

Fin.