SOS-The Sandler's are going camping, maybe

5000 and I didn't really have firm plans for the Labor Day weekend. We had several gracious invites to different things, but no firm commitment to anything that is until 5000 remembered he owns a never-been-used tent. Now our plans are nudging up to about the 98% percentile with 5000's commitment to camping.

The worst part about this ill-fated plan is that neither of us have been trapped in the wilderness for at least a decade, and only one of us is realistic about our now yuppie lifestyle. We don't own a sleeping bag, we are not in great shape, and we currently shower regularly. 5000 has become border line intolerable with his over romanticized and unrealistic vision about what this weekend will entail, and is all but begging to stay some place "real" where he can hike 10 miles a day and come back to camp where there would be no showers or flush toilets.

When I was a yout this type of camping was a weekend thing for me. Me and 15 of my closest friends would hike up miles into the Adirondack mountains and set up "camp" somewhere, far away from civilization, for the express purpose of drinking copious amounts of Milwaukee's Best whilst not being bothered by parents or police. We shat in the woods, we bathed in the lake, and we ate hot dogs for every meal for like 3 days straight. Although we were willing to lug in 9 cases of Beast we bristled at being stuck lugging in water, so our beer to fresh water ratio always wound up being 9-1. I was 19, fit, and carefree. I didn't have much and I didn't need much, because my over zealous love of "partying" and lack of appropriate place to do so over came my disgust at the conditions in which I was in. Furthermore, I could play beer die for days and never become bored.

I'm currently 30, fat, and spoiled, and should I want to get drunk I merely have to walk to the corner and purchase whatever libation suits me and go back to my AC'd apt to drink it.

However, all this aside, to accentuate how out of touch 5000 is with what he wants to undertake, and to illustrate that I am not unfairly picking on him, I have compiled a top ten list of things that excites Tyler about going camping, and I believe this list will speak for itself at how grossly unprepared we will be.

1. tent
2. heady trail mix
3. a skillet
4. cards
5. OFF
6. a toothbrush with the handle "sawed off" for making the load lighter
7. packets of "gourmet food" to be grilled on the "campfire"
8. wine
9. a radio
10. books

Let me remind you that we don�t have sleeping bags; soap, TP, and water are unmistakably missing from this list. If we go on a 10 mile hike even one day and come back to "camp" we won't be able to properly wash ourselves and we will be sleeping on the ground. How are we keeping these gourmet food packets refrigerated? Will there be a wine opener? These are the types of concerns and questions I have.

Despite my obvious reservations about this trip, I am fully aware that I will do it. I will go into the wilderness with this Sagittarius of a man to "camp" not because I have unending faith in him to work it out, not because I think I can pick up the slack and fill in the holes, but simply because, although both of these things are true, it is because I can not wait to watch 5000 spray his skillet with OFF while he tries to eat rotten eggs for breakfast.

This is an open invitation by the way, none of you are 100% off the hook, and should you want to join us on this adventure, feel free to RSVP.