so last week there were a few references made to a bottle of night train that was maliciously and mischievously incorporated in to some of tsandler5000s famous reeters. additionally, the culprit himself made an attempt to call me in out in the comments section, with his allusions to a bear shitting in the vatican. i had planned on taking the bait then, but was unable to really devote the time and mental energy to create a post worth a damn. so, here it goes.
i found myself on the very first fairway at long island national when i felt an all too familiar rumble in my belly. it passed, but the sweats that accompanied this ominous gurgle of gas passing through small intestine stayed put. i tried to think positive thoughts and just concentrate on the shot in front of me but with every step further away from the club house my anxiety increased. after literally getting stuck on the 3rd green (the slightest movement would have required and immediate shower) i decided i must take the cart and head back to the lil boys room. I drove about 20 feet when i decided i would rather tempt fate than forfeit four skins (heyyyyoooo) to kind bud jake and jack johnson sandler. so, after hitting my approach on the par 5 4th, i scurried into the woods with three napkins, grabbed a tree for support and pooped outside for the 5th time in my adult life (lake fairfax, upper wynnewood, alpine valley, farrand field). it was fast and super buryl. neon and angry. ty helped me out by bringing me an old but fairly unsoiled golf towel as i hovered in man's most vulnerable state. i got cleaned up and took the skins. there was a bathroom on the next hole. i blamed the night train but i should mention i had fried chicken for breakfast.
the blame is most likely genetics. there is an ol' saying in the gutkowski home that loose BMs run in the jeans. ha! but seriously folks. i have been dealing with irritable bowls as long as i can remember. genetics aside, anxiety affects people in many different ways. in ms vickers 7th grade pre algebra class, anxiety lead to a bitter case of the winds followed by painful bouts of ria. i would asked to be excused and make a shameful walk to the nurses office (the only john i would use). after several months of this the nurse called my mother to express her concern. after both embarrassing conversations with my mom and my pediatrician it was determined that the condition was psychosomatic. this led me to the couch of dr. nick tishioni
dr nick and i explored some of my negative thoughts, my belief system that i was inherently stupid, and my maladaptive coping strategies (disruptive class clowning and hiding in the nurses bathroom). we then developed positive coping strategies like relaxation breathing excersies and positive imagery. over time, i became better equipped to deal with the stress and anxiety and less dependant on shitbreaks at the clinic. the whole process eventually led my parents to have me tested by teams of neurologists. child development specialists, and psychiatrist, eventually being diagnosed and medicated for ADHD (inattentive type). a real feel good story, i know. not so much. after about my fifth week of therapy in 7th grade, i could no longer fabricate orthodontists or doctors appts. my friends wanted to know why i could not walk to south laked shopping center and steal adolescent jewelry from harvest trading company. i finally broke down and told victory sandler and shiny face berkman about my plight. oh, what an error in judgement. for the next two years i had to deal with doo doo doctor and poo poo pediatrician jokes. not mellow.
dr nick and i explored some of my negative thoughts, my belief system that i was inherently stupid, and my maladaptive coping strategies (disruptive class clowning and hiding in the nurses bathroom). we then developed positive coping strategies like relaxation breathing excersies and positive imagery. over time, i became better equipped to deal with the stress and anxiety and less dependant on shitbreaks at the clinic. the whole process eventually led my parents to have me tested by teams of neurologists. child development specialists, and psychiatrist, eventually being diagnosed and medicated for ADHD (inattentive type). a real feel good story, i know. not so much. after about my fifth week of therapy in 7th grade, i could no longer fabricate orthodontists or doctors appts. my friends wanted to know why i could not walk to south laked shopping center and steal adolescent jewelry from harvest trading company. i finally broke down and told victory sandler and shiny face berkman about my plight. oh, what an error in judgement. for the next two years i had to deal with doo doo doctor and poo poo pediatrician jokes. not mellow. so i guess the morals of this story are:
a) adolescent boys are dicks
and
b) relaxation training is no match for fried chicken and nightrain
and
c) tyler looks like jack johnson
and
d) kanye hates hippies
7 comments:
So it makes perfect sense that the whole "confidence poop" myth was merely a passive way to express your dream of pooping solid as well as this translating into a solid head full of confidence.
Things I learned:
1)A smile that starts early in a post usually leads to a belly laugh towards the end.
2) Tyler does look like Jack Johnson
3) This is the best post the neatness has ever seen.
4) Paul's unlimited test taking time protocal in college stemmed from pubescent diarhea.
Just know that poop pediatricians are nothing compared to walking down the hall and feeling something fall, climbing up a ladder and feeling something splatter, or riding on the bus and feeling something bust.
God speed you dark brown emperor
probiotics my friend, probiotics.
If persistent diarhea is a product of one's mental health, then how is my chronic heartburn explained? Please note, any answers involving Wendy's, Taco Bell, or lack of exercise will be disregarded.
For the first few lines of this post I thought it had bar car written all over it. what with her propensity to work in the blue and brown.
I learned that a poop can indeed be life changing and that ty2.0 is a friend in the most harrowing of circunstances.
Heartburn can somtimes be caused by driving a Chevy Malibu at high rate speeds with the windows down and listening to lil wayne at loud volume while a camel light dangels from your lip. I read it in an online medical journal. That and $20 scratch offs and two liters..
Eating fried chicken after Night Train is like pouring olive oil on a slip n' slide, you are lucky if no one gets hurt but there is definitely going to be skid marks on the lawn.
i recently attended a wedding at high altitude. boozing and toking heavily after eating copious amounts of steak and bacon i found myself in this all too often position of dealing with loose stools. in one of my several trips to the bathroom, my old college chum, matthew geNova found me talking to myself in the stahl. i was lamenting that my head and small intenstines could not get on the same page. nova laughed aloud and i then expressed to him my simple desire to fart with a lil bit of confidence instead of having to leave the dance floor to every time i had to pass wind. unbeknownst to me, nova recorded the whole episode on his phone. i will attempt to procure said video.
carinis gonna get u,
jack straw from witchita
Poo humor has never been my thing, I am clearly alone on this.
Pasty is the color of your inner thigh (Groooooooos).....
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